You may shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you will never again be foolish enough to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with just a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for a couple of weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you’ll be back for a rematch eventually. You can’t just let that Bandit win so effortlessly, can you? No way.

It is just a machine, in the end, with a “brain” comprised of wires and microchips. You, in contrast, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to have any hope at all in surviving the worldwide war against machines that surely will come some day, we would better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter in this particular kind of sweeping historical context and also you shall see that it is not simply a choice but an obligation for you to get back on the horse right away.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it might be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You could not know that the slot machine goes by different names in overseas nations. As an example, within the United Kingdom, it’s called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, please.) In Australia, the slot is described as a “poker machine,” which is even more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of just a little girl’s toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you certainly will get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or more reels, which spin any time a lever on the side of the machine is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the money inserted to play. The equipment typically pays off according to patterns of symbols visible in the event the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. Simply, onto those tips which were promised a number of paragraphs ago:

Become intimately familiar with each slot machine’s payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a couple of banks or carousels of high percentage payback quality slots online, and this is where you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for time and expense spent. Even if you don’t hit the jackpot, you may still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, and other perks.

This should be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you can afford and only spend cash you can risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you’re losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not really a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it’s no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.