You could shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you will never again be foolish sufficient to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for a few weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you will be back for a rematch eventually. You cannot just let that Bandit win so quickly, can you? No way.

It is just a machine, after all, with a “brain” comprised of wires and microchips. You, on the other hand, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to have any hope at all in surviving the global war against machines that surely will come some day, we would better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter within this sort of sweeping historical context and you will see that it’s not simply a choice but an obligation for you to get back on the horse as soon as possible.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it will be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You could not realize that the slot machine passes by different names in overseas nations. For example, in the United Kingdom, it is called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, please.) In Australia, the safe online slot gambling agency is called a “poker machine,” which is much more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of just a little girl’s toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you definitely will get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or maybe more reels, which spin any time a lever on the side of the machine is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the money inserted to play. The machine typically pays off according to patterns of symbols visible when the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. In essence, onto those tips that were promised a few paragraphs ago:

Become intimately acquainted with each slot machine’s payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have several banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, and this is in which you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for time and expense spent. Even if you do not hit the jackpot, you could still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, as well as other perks.

This should be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you may afford and only spend cash you can risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you are losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not much of a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it’s no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.